Thirteenth. (Reprise)
I knew it.
God, I’m a fool.
Again.
Again.
This is so cruel.
And just like that.
Just ten minutes.
Ten freaking minutes.
And it’s over.
And the tingles.
Brought pain again.
And the somewhat.
Somehow.
Healing heart.
Face agony.
Stupid.
Everything was against it.
How could I?
Stupid.
Blind.
Come what may.
Yeah right.
Now it came.
Hi.
Goodbye.
Twelfth. Missing Someone.
It’s been awhile, and time they say,
Helps one forget, move on, erase
I thought I did let go, move on
But you had to come, now the effort’s gone
A sudden hit, a flash, a storm aroused
A day so like others, normal, sound
Thoughts forgotten came rushing back,
Wave by wave, face and voice, attack
Now the scar I’ve hidden shows itself
The ugly mar that still stings and aches
And the heart that died, weakly pumps its might
To beat for you, long forgotten, lost fight
You invade me again, my tarnished peace
Revoke! Away! I beg you, please
I no longer have the strength to endure
Endure it again, the pain. God, undo!
My conscious mind thinks only of you,
Numb already to others thoughts or issues
My subconscious projects only of you,
From this poem I write, to the songs I sing to
And now, for the love of all humanity
Even my unconscious mind is filled with you only
In my slumber, my private, personal dreams,
Spare me the reminder, the memory haunting!
You enrage the sorrow I tried to control
The agony of denial, of mere friendship sworn
I’m forced to miss you all over again
I can’t even see you, it’s all in my head
L’onzième promenade. Insomnie.
Sommeil.
Un tel bonheur.
Une évasion.
Des griffes de la vie.
Réalité.
Existence de suffocation.
C’est un pardon.
Paradis.
Fermeture des yeux.
La merveille.
La beauté.
De l’obscurité de invitation.
Abat-jour au grotesque.
À tout.
Là.
Vous ne posséderez rien.
Pas cela différent.
N’est-il pas?
Mais.
Sommeil.
Je lance loin.
Insomnie.
Heures de wakefulness.
Torture.
Je la soutiens.
Masochiste.
Yeux ne se fermant jamais.
Probablement.
Le sommeil n’est plus assez.
Sommeil.
Les repos de corps.
Restauration.
Peut-être.
Le renouvellement.
Résurrection.
Et ceci.
M’écarte.
Une meilleure évasion montre du doigt.
Complètement se cassant librement.
Meilleur que le sommeil.
Ce nuits sans sommeil.
Évoquez.
La mort.
~écrit le 30ème jour du juin 2009
The tenth. Myself.
Myself.
Only possession.
Mine.
Not mine.
Fragile.
At any moment.
Can disappear.
Myself.
In confusion.
Unknowing of itself.
Happy.
Sad.
At peace.
Disturbed.
Myself.
Not special.
Maybe.
That is what this.
Is all about.
Attention.
Acting different.
Myself.
Without a form.
Discontent.
Miserable, perhaps.
Trapped.
By personal chains.
Fake.
Myself.
An author.
Running to this.
Writing.
Web of words.
Sympathizes.
With me.
(written on the 24th of June, 2009)
Nuevo. Una tragedia.
Distracciones.
Are bliss.
Take your mind.
Off matters.
The harshness.
Cruel and unforgiving.
Life. Pity.
It lasts.
Only for too long.
Defensas.
Primeval instinct.
To protect.
What’s fragile.
The most.
Heart. Soul.
The idea.
Of existence.
Instincts fail.
Ignorancia.
Know not.
Hurt not.
No fear.
Anaesthetized.
But truth.
The world.
Teaches you.
Forcefully.
Huya.
Run away.
Where they can’t.
Hurt you.
Disregard you.
Hate you.
Safety.
But. You’re not.
Fast enough.
Dilacion.
Convenient delay.
Enough to prepare.
To numb yourself.
Convince.
That it’s alright.
But it comes.
Crashing down.
Sooner or later.
Alimento.
Savory.
Fulfilling.
The rest of the world.
Unthought of.
Senses awaken.
Consumption.
Depletes.
It’s gone.
Sueños.
Righteous escape.
Fantasies.
Erases the real.
Infinite possibilities.
Everlasting chances.
Happiness, even.
Horror replaces.
Nightmares.
Sueño.
No consciousness.
No feeling.
Peace.
Maybe love.
Eyes closed.
Unseeing of ugliness.
Lights break through.
Sudden wakefulness.
Muerte.
Perfection.
End.
~Translations
Distracciones. Distractions.
Defensas. Defenses.
Ignorancia. Ignorance.
Huya. Flee.
Dilacion. Procrastination.
Alimento. Food.
Sueños. Dreams.
Sueño. Sleep.
Muerte. Death.
Eight. Fears
Fears.
Make people human.
I am human.
I have fears.
One of which.
Is loneliness.
Broken hearts.
Then again.
Nobody.
Ever gave a damn.
Nobody bothered.
To receive a heart.
Throbbing. Hopeful.
Inviting.
Nobody took it.
Even as it was served.
Willingly.
In a platter.
I’m scared.
I have no love life.
No experience.
Whatsoever.
Always the outsider.
The watcher.
Bridge.
Adviser. (Ironic).
Friend.
Never the lover.
Or girlfriend.
Special someone.
No.
The fear.
Of a life without love.
Of growing old.
Alone.
Frail.
Unfulfilled.
I’m scared.
I dream.
Not of perfection.
Ignore fairy tales.
Shun the drama.
Just love.
No more. No less.
Just someone.
To love me.
For me to love.
This fear.
It doesn’t even matter.
If I get hurt.
Just one experience.
Just one chance.
I’m numb. Already.
I’m hopeless.
I’m unexpectant.
Already.
I don’t really care.
Fear does that to you.
Fears.
Make people human.
I’m afraid.
It makes me human.
Right?
But then.
What human am I.
Without love?
I’m scared.
This fear.
I’m scared.
(written on the 20th of June)
A seventh ramble. The freaky way that dreams work.
At morning whilst.
Amidst the kicks of a cousin.
Woke me up.
Ten times.
Still. There was time.
For a dream.
A good dream.
About him.
He came.
I was all smiles.
We spoke.
I was euphoric.
Of books. Of things.
I don’t remember.
It was a dream.
After all.
But to dream.
Of him.
Was enough.
Enough.
For me.
An afternoon doze.
Woke me up.
In tears.
A series of events.
One theme.
Being left behind.
I ran frantic.
Searching for faces.
Faces supposedly with me.
I was alone.
Crying for help.
In a train.
Cold.
Smelly.
Hopeless.
I woke up.
In sweat.
And tears.
Two dreams.
One of great joy.
The other of sadness.
One that made my day.
The other that ruined it.
Freaky.
The way dreams work.
(written on the 27th of May)
A qualitative ramble.
Pressure. Time.
Bottles crowd the table.
Trapping you.
From front. And back.
All shapes and sizes.
Smells of rotten eggs.
Of alchohol.
Of putrid chemicals.
Chemistry.
She gives you two vials.
To brood over.
To kill for.
Unknown. Be known.
Investigate. What are they?
Pressure. Time.
Sweat. Panic.
A sick game of the knowing.
The test. They know the answer.
We scuttle and crawl.
Guesses. Three strikes.
She knows. She knows.
We don’t. We don’t.
Back and forth.
Rushing. Spinning. Burning.
A fire spreads on one side.
Accident. Caused by the rush.
Answers. ANSWERS!
It flares up. Everybody watches.
Blue flames scorch the floor.
It fades. Back to work.
The enemy lurks behind.
Contamination.
Invisible precipitation.
Misleading colors.
Vanquish them. Raise your rods high.
Burn them with hot plates.
Corrode them with chemicals.
Make them sick with centrifuge.
Weigh the odds.
We have to win.
Against enemy.
And the twin bosses.
Time.
Grades.
(written on the 13th of May)
~We had the Aualitative Analysis Lab Experiminent in Chemistry that day. Obviously, I have not gotten over the adrenaline until I wrote this. For what’s it worth, we finished the experiments successfully, guessing correcly our given unknowns!
A fifth ramble. In which choices are chosen without a choice.
Egg meets sperm.
A child is born.
Unknowing of the world.
Ushered through ignorance.
Life is created. Without choice.
The baby was not asked.
Out of the womb.
No consent.
The child lives.
Thinks s/he has choices.
Thinks s/he can make those choices.
Own choices.
But the beginnings were fate.
From the start.
S/he never had control.
Never had a choice.
And the rest follows.
Your choices are pre-set.
You choose what is chosen. For you.
You pick. From what they give.
They choose your choices.
Picks your picks.
They.
God/s. Nature. Society. Family.
You never had control.
Fate. Paths. Future.
It was set out for you.
Various. Colorful.
Makes you think it’s yours.
Never.
Not your choices.
Not your life.
Still.
You choose to live.
Because you have no choice.
(written on the 12th of May, 2009)
