15
Hello.
It’s been a while.
Here I ramble. Again.
Of love? Of life?
Of beginning? Of end?
No. Just of stuff.
Slips of thoughts. Pieces.
Random. Ramble.
Simple. Senseless.
Death is welcomed.
Escape.
Living’s too troublesome.
Failures pile up.
Nothing. I’ve become.
Still no one to love.
Who loves me.
Like the man in my dreams.
Fiction I make believe.
Being special.
Never. Never me.
Common. Boring.
Yes. Yes me.
Desires and drives.
Quite different. You see.
I want to be.
But I don’t. See?
No inspiration.
Not much effort. Lazy.
Downward spiral.
Fading. Fading. Fading.
I want high school back.
When I was a star.
The envy. The one with dreams.
And drives.
Not the college kid.
With no direction.
At the bottom.
Left behind.
By more special people.
Smarter. Funnier.
Always steps higher.
Higher.
I want innocence.
When smiles took no effort.
When friends were forever.
Nothing to dampen the sky.
A world fresh. Of wonder.
Don’t know.
What I want.
Need.
Must do.
Lost. Angry. Sad.
Insane.
Help, will you?
Fourteen, nice to see you!
Truth be told, the reunion frightened me
I was excited, and yet, quite deeply, I fear
I was going to see you again after a time so long
And so I keep asking, should I go? Should I go?
I did. I went. I saw you again,
For a while, I paused and released my breath.
There was no rapid beating of my little heart
Was I getting over you? I hope, I prayed hard.
But once again I pause, something was wrong,
Spare me a glance, why do you ignore?
I know it’s awkward. And weird. And unsettling.
But don’t I even deserve a word, a greeting?
Damn it! I’m hurting again. Again.
No, I’ve healed. No, I’ve forgotten.
Damn it! Why can’t I stay away?
Why must I linger on feeling this way.
I get it, I’m not stupid. You know I was never dumb.
Just careless enough to let myself fall apart
Delusional maybe, and forever blind
Fine, I’m stupid to hold on all this time
I should have done what I said to you then
After that damning confession, to simply walk away
You should have let me, save yourself all the guilt
Because it was never your fault that you don’t love me
The day ended, it was time to go on
And I learned to block out that fact I’m ignored
And as the car drives away, “He loves you,” they say,
(albeit, jokingly, those bastards)
He might. But just not in the same way.
Thirteenth. (Reprise)
I knew it.
God, I’m a fool.
Again.
Again.
This is so cruel.
And just like that.
Just ten minutes.
Ten freaking minutes.
And it’s over.
And the tingles.
Brought pain again.
And the somewhat.
Somehow.
Healing heart.
Face agony.
Stupid.
Everything was against it.
How could I?
Stupid.
Blind.
Come what may.
Yeah right.
Now it came.
Hi.
Goodbye.
Twelfth. Missing Someone.
It’s been awhile, and time they say,
Helps one forget, move on, erase
I thought I did let go, move on
But you had to come, now the effort’s gone
A sudden hit, a flash, a storm aroused
A day so like others, normal, sound
Thoughts forgotten came rushing back,
Wave by wave, face and voice, attack
Now the scar I’ve hidden shows itself
The ugly mar that still stings and aches
And the heart that died, weakly pumps its might
To beat for you, long forgotten, lost fight
You invade me again, my tarnished peace
Revoke! Away! I beg you, please
I no longer have the strength to endure
Endure it again, the pain. God, undo!
My conscious mind thinks only of you,
Numb already to others thoughts or issues
My subconscious projects only of you,
From this poem I write, to the songs I sing to
And now, for the love of all humanity
Even my unconscious mind is filled with you only
In my slumber, my private, personal dreams,
Spare me the reminder, the memory haunting!
You enrage the sorrow I tried to control
The agony of denial, of mere friendship sworn
I’m forced to miss you all over again
I can’t even see you, it’s all in my head
L’onzième promenade. Insomnie.
Sommeil.
Un tel bonheur.
Une évasion.
Des griffes de la vie.
Réalité.
Existence de suffocation.
C’est un pardon.
Paradis.
Fermeture des yeux.
La merveille.
La beauté.
De l’obscurité de invitation.
Abat-jour au grotesque.
À tout.
Là.
Vous ne posséderez rien.
Pas cela différent.
N’est-il pas?
Mais.
Sommeil.
Je lance loin.
Insomnie.
Heures de wakefulness.
Torture.
Je la soutiens.
Masochiste.
Yeux ne se fermant jamais.
Probablement.
Le sommeil n’est plus assez.
Sommeil.
Les repos de corps.
Restauration.
Peut-être.
Le renouvellement.
Résurrection.
Et ceci.
M’écarte.
Une meilleure évasion montre du doigt.
Complètement se cassant librement.
Meilleur que le sommeil.
Ce nuits sans sommeil.
Évoquez.
La mort.
~écrit le 30ème jour du juin 2009
The tenth. Myself.
Myself.
Only possession.
Mine.
Not mine.
Fragile.
At any moment.
Can disappear.
Myself.
In confusion.
Unknowing of itself.
Happy.
Sad.
At peace.
Disturbed.
Myself.
Not special.
Maybe.
That is what this.
Is all about.
Attention.
Acting different.
Myself.
Without a form.
Discontent.
Miserable, perhaps.
Trapped.
By personal chains.
Fake.
Myself.
An author.
Running to this.
Writing.
Web of words.
Sympathizes.
With me.
(written on the 24th of June, 2009)
Nuevo. Una tragedia.
Distracciones.
Are bliss.
Take your mind.
Off matters.
The harshness.
Cruel and unforgiving.
Life. Pity.
It lasts.
Only for too long.
Defensas.
Primeval instinct.
To protect.
What’s fragile.
The most.
Heart. Soul.
The idea.
Of existence.
Instincts fail.
Ignorancia.
Know not.
Hurt not.
No fear.
Anaesthetized.
But truth.
The world.
Teaches you.
Forcefully.
Huya.
Run away.
Where they can’t.
Hurt you.
Disregard you.
Hate you.
Safety.
But. You’re not.
Fast enough.
Dilacion.
Convenient delay.
Enough to prepare.
To numb yourself.
Convince.
That it’s alright.
But it comes.
Crashing down.
Sooner or later.
Alimento.
Savory.
Fulfilling.
The rest of the world.
Unthought of.
Senses awaken.
Consumption.
Depletes.
It’s gone.
Sueños.
Righteous escape.
Fantasies.
Erases the real.
Infinite possibilities.
Everlasting chances.
Happiness, even.
Horror replaces.
Nightmares.
Sueño.
No consciousness.
No feeling.
Peace.
Maybe love.
Eyes closed.
Unseeing of ugliness.
Lights break through.
Sudden wakefulness.
Muerte.
Perfection.
End.
~Translations
Distracciones. Distractions.
Defensas. Defenses.
Ignorancia. Ignorance.
Huya. Flee.
Dilacion. Procrastination.
Alimento. Food.
Sueños. Dreams.
Sueño. Sleep.
Muerte. Death.
Eight. Fears
Fears.
Make people human.
I am human.
I have fears.
One of which.
Is loneliness.
Broken hearts.
Then again.
Nobody.
Ever gave a damn.
Nobody bothered.
To receive a heart.
Throbbing. Hopeful.
Inviting.
Nobody took it.
Even as it was served.
Willingly.
In a platter.
I’m scared.
I have no love life.
No experience.
Whatsoever.
Always the outsider.
The watcher.
Bridge.
Adviser. (Ironic).
Friend.
Never the lover.
Or girlfriend.
Special someone.
No.
The fear.
Of a life without love.
Of growing old.
Alone.
Frail.
Unfulfilled.
I’m scared.
I dream.
Not of perfection.
Ignore fairy tales.
Shun the drama.
Just love.
No more. No less.
Just someone.
To love me.
For me to love.
This fear.
It doesn’t even matter.
If I get hurt.
Just one experience.
Just one chance.
I’m numb. Already.
I’m hopeless.
I’m unexpectant.
Already.
I don’t really care.
Fear does that to you.
Fears.
Make people human.
I’m afraid.
It makes me human.
Right?
But then.
What human am I.
Without love?
I’m scared.
This fear.
I’m scared.
(written on the 20th of June)
A seventh ramble. The freaky way that dreams work.
At morning whilst.
Amidst the kicks of a cousin.
Woke me up.
Ten times.
Still. There was time.
For a dream.
A good dream.
About him.
He came.
I was all smiles.
We spoke.
I was euphoric.
Of books. Of things.
I don’t remember.
It was a dream.
After all.
But to dream.
Of him.
Was enough.
Enough.
For me.
An afternoon doze.
Woke me up.
In tears.
A series of events.
One theme.
Being left behind.
I ran frantic.
Searching for faces.
Faces supposedly with me.
I was alone.
Crying for help.
In a train.
Cold.
Smelly.
Hopeless.
I woke up.
In sweat.
And tears.
Two dreams.
One of great joy.
The other of sadness.
One that made my day.
The other that ruined it.
Freaky.
The way dreams work.
(written on the 27th of May)
